Bladder Buddies
The latest in a series of spoof blog posts by the eccentric, outrageous yet always loveable Maggie Bladder-Warwick and her nearest and dearest.
Last week one of our bed and breakfasters at Bladder Hall complained he couldn’t sleep because it was too quiet. Apparently, he was from somewhere called Wolverhampton. Then he asked if I was lonely.
Well, I can tell you for once in my life I was speechless. I mean, how can one possibly be lonely in the country? It’s the centre of the universe.
But it set me thinking. And, yes, before you say anything, we B-Ws are jolly deep thinkers when we put our minds to it.
So, here is my guide to expanding your social circle in the country.
The Church
The obvious route to finding a social life outside of the metropolis is of course via the local church.
If you have any skills at all to offer for free, they will want you: flower arranging, cake baking, a knowledge of explosives or unarmed combat or simply making the tea. Equally, if you are tone deaf and can’t carry a tune in a Louis Vuitton trunk, you can always join the choir.
The mistake townies make is that they believe that church has something to do with God. Maybe that is so in the city, but in rural areas the church exists for two reasons only:
to promote the social life of the community irrespective of faith; and
to provide employment and accommodation for younger sons of the nobility. Where would Nobby St. John-Parsnip be today if he hadn’t become a chump, I mean a man, of the cloth? And, I’m told, the odds on him becoming archbishop are getting better by the day.
The Local Paper
If you are short of something to do in the country, consult the local rag. Just looking at our local, this is the selection of what’s on in the area this week:
An Egg Show at Hunsonby Memorial Hall – a cracking welcome awaits;
Dominos and strip Monopoly at in the pub at Coglin;
A production of Ibsen’s ‘A Doll’s House’ in the original Norwegian at Shap Village Hall, followed by a fish and chip supper; and
A host of night classes at various venues in Mungrisdale on subjects ranging from meditation (Zen with Ken) to gurning for beginners (Learn to Gurn with Mandy).
I think you’ll agree that there is something there for everyone.
Online Networks
If you are looking for true love in Darkest Cumbria, then please do give these websites a try:
ewesandtups.com - dating for farmers or possibly their animals also.
gritter.com - a site specifically for Cumbrians feeling lonely through the long winter months.
desperatesheepfarmerswives.co.uk - I’m told by my husband, Douglas, this is well worth a look.
And if its culture you thirst for, I am the proud founder, CEO and patroness of Cumbrian Rural Arts Promotion Network or CRAPNET for short. Please log on to crapnet.com to donate lots of money and check out our next extravaganza.
If all else fails…
Have a crisis. Country folk will always rally round. People and equipment will be with you in minutes, and the stories of your rescue will be recounted fondly for years afterwards.
So, if your sheep need digging out from a landslide or you’ve set fire to the east wing again or you’ve forgotten how to work the electric kettle…help and, friends for life, are only a phone call away in the countryside.
Until next time…
Maggie B-W.